“Your mother-in-law is moving in,” my wife said with a smile. A smile I didn’t return.
Then came nervous laughter, followed by a serious conversation. Her mother has been living alone, and with rising prices and shrinking savings, it’s become clear she may soon need more support. Making room for a fifth person in our home is now something we have to seriously consider.
Our situation is far from unique. While “boomerang kids” get most of the headlines, many households today are dealing with the opposite trend: parents moving in with their adult children. Although estimates vary by definition, research data show that roughly 30% of households are now multigenerational — many of them formed for financial or caregiving reasons.
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Of course, family is family. Many adult children are happy to help, but that support can come at a cost.
Key findings indicate that many members of the so-called “sandwich generation” providing logistical and financial help to their parents often experience significant emotional and financial stress themselves.
It’s why Patrick Huey, owner and principal adviser of Victory Independent Planning, says: “One of the most universal goals I hear from retirees is: ‘I don’t want to end up a burden on my kids.’”
Experts say that reality should be a core consideration in retirement planning. One helpful way to frame it: the retirement rule of self-reliance. When making decisions, from how you spend money to where you live, ask how those choices will impact your ability to remain independent. The goal isn’t just to enjoy retirement, but to reduce the odds your children will have to step in.
Here’s how financial professionals suggest you put the rule into practice.
The rule of self-reliance: plan for financial flexibility
Maintaining financial self-reliance in retirement depends not only on how much you’ve saved, but how well your savings can stretch over time. Thanks to longer lifespans, today’s retirees face a greater risk of outliving their money, known as longevity risk.
In fact, fewer than one in four retirees are very confident they’ll be able to maintain a comfortable lifestyle throughout retirement, according to the Transamerica Center for Retirement Studies.
So, how can retirees stay resilient when financial challenges arise?
“Start with a spending plan that can flex as life changes,” Huey says. “I generally advise against overspending early in retirement. Also, use a dynamic withdrawal strategy, like the ‘guardrails’ approach, so you can adjust spending if markets drop or big expenses loom.”
Still, there’s one area where flexibility can backfire: financially supporting adult children. “About half of parents now financially support their adult children, often to the tune of $1,400 a month,” Huey notes. “While generosity feels good, ongoing support can drain your resources and, ironically, increase the chances that you’ll need to lean on your kids later.”
Don’t ignore the cost of care
Few things can derail a retirement plan, or strain family dynamics, like need for long-term care.
According to the University of Michigan’s 2024 National Poll on Healthy Aging, nearly half of older adults worry about their future care needs. And with good reason. Genworth reports that a home health aide now costs around $77,000 a year, while a private nursing home room can exceed $127,000.
These costs aren’t covered by Medicare, leaving many families scrambling to cover the gap.
One survey found 56% of adults would consider taking a loan from their retirement accounts to provide care for a loved one. While 43% fear caregiving expenses could prevent them from ever retiring.
“Relying on adult kids for caregiving can strain both sides,” says Huey. He recommends exploring long-term care insurance or hybrid life/LTC policies while you’re still relatively young and healthy. Wait too long, and you may find the premiums too steep or become ineligible altogether. If coverage isn’t an option, earmark specific savings to help self-fund future care.
However, some people may struggle to even imagine themselves in that position.
“Create a financial retirement plan that includes at least one spouse needing long-term care for multiple years,” advises Eric Walters, managing partner and co-founder of Summit Hill Wealth Management. “Doing that helps bring a challenging topic forward so we can discuss and plan for it.”
Rethink where you live
For many working adults, housing is the biggest expense. In retirement? Still housing. But cost isn’t the only factor when choosing where to live in retirement. Can you age safely and comfortably in your current home?
According to AARP, 75% of Americans aged 50 and older want to stay in their homes as long as possible. Yet nearly half say they’re unsure if their community will support their needs as they age.
“Evaluate your living space and consider making it age-friendly, or moving to a home with fewer barriers,” Huey says. “Sometimes, relocating closer to healthcare or community services can keep you independent longer.”
That could mean downsizing, moving to a one-story home, or joining a continuing care retirement community (CCRC). Each of these options can help reduce physical and financial burdens later on. If you intend to age in place, evaluate whether you need to make modifications well in advance of when you actually need them.
Walters adds that downsizing can lift another major weight: your stuff. “One of the main benefits of moving out of your oversized home is that it forces you to throw away, sell and give away all the things you’ve accumulated but nobody wants.”
The basis of good manners is self-reliance.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Have the conversations now
Perhaps, one of the most impactful ways to preserve independence and prevent family stress is also the simplest, yet most often avoided.
“The first and most overlooked strategy is open communication,” says Annie Garland, CFP® and wealth advisor at Wealth Clarity. “Too often the plan is simply, ‘I’m going to die in this house.’ That mindset can create crisis-driven decisions later. Having honest conversations early allows families to make choices rooted in love, safety and financial reality rather than emotion in the moment.”
Walters recommends preparing and regularly reviewing key estate planning documents, such as advance directives, powers of attorney and living wills. Just as important: keep an updated list of accounts, contacts and critical paperwork in a place your future self or loved ones can easily find.
That step alone can help ensure decisions are made according to your wishes and spare your family from having to piece everything together on their own.
Take care of the one thing you can’t outlive – your health
Ultimately, self-reliance in retirement rests just as much on your physical and mental well-being as it does on your finances.
Plenty of research shows daily habits like staying active, eating well and keeping strong social connections can go a long way toward preserving independence and, in turn, easing the burden on your loved ones.
As Garland puts it: “The two best gifts aging parents can give their children are financial stability and physical vitality. Both require a lifetime of small, consistent choices.”
Most retirees want to enjoy life on their own terms while honoring the values that helped shape their families. Following the retirement rule of self-reliance means doing what you can today to stay independent longer and safeguard peace of mind for everyone involved.
Ralph Waldo Emerson, who quite literally wrote the book on self-reliance, said it best: “Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles.”